The importance of time off

When Gerry came in for his session, he was exhausted and distraught.  He reported that he had accomplished next to nothing in the past week, having spent too much time putting out fires for a client who has been constantly screwing up.  This client insists upon making changes to their software program themselves, creating problems, which Gerry has to fix.

Gerry, a software engineer, is only contracted to work for this particular client two days a week, but had been drawn into crisis mode (yet again) and had spent most of his weekend dealing with the problems they created.

It's not the first time that Gerry has had to sacrificed a weekend for this client, in fact it happens more often than not.

He told me that he has recently been thinking about changing careers, that he's not happy doing this anymore.

He's been having trouble sleeping.  He's been fighting with his wife because he's never home for dinner and doesn't see the kids before they go to sleep.  He's missed the last two soccer games his twins were in. He hasn't paid his bills yet this month and it's almost over. He was late for his Mom's 85th birthday party...

We spoke about the things he doesn't like about his work, and this led to a conversation about his personal life...it seems he hasn't been taking any time for himself, and it's starting to impact the way he feels about himself, his life and his work.

When I dug a little deeper, I found out that even when Gerry has a weekend off, he rarely spends any time chilling out.  Instead, he runs around, catching up on all the things he'd been neglecting and is running himself so ragged, that he returns to work feeling totally worn out.  A sure prescription for burn-out.

Although he's voiced these concerns before, I got a sense that this time Gerry had hit a wall, he realized that things would not get better unless he took action.  Sorry that this had to happen, but glad it's finally motivated him to take action.

By the time we finished talking, Gerry had come up with a plan. 

1. He would no longer work on his days off.
2. He would come home "early" at least twice a week.
3. He would spend one day of his weekend doing personal errands and chores.
4. He would spend quality time with his family.
5. He would set aside a nice chunck of his weekend just to chill out.

Update:

Since our last session, Gerry had a heart to heart with his client.  He explained that he is no longer available on the weekends, and got the client to agree not to let her staff make any changes to the program themselves. 

Wednesday, he left the office promptly at 5. He made it home in time for dinner with the kids, and spent an hour or so paying bills.

He didn't work this weekend.  Saturday, he went for a run, did a little yard work, brought the kids to a game, and took his wife out to dinner.  Sunday, he slept late and spent the rest of the afternoon laying in the hammock, watching the twins play.  Although his weekend was busy, his attitude was drastically improved and he felt refreshed, energized and motivated to face work on Monday morning.

When will you schedule some time to chill out?

-Susan Martin, work life balance champion.

Is It Selfish To Have Only One Child?

There's an interesting dialogue going on over at the WSJ "Juggle" blog about the whole question of having more than one child.  Another emotionally charged issue judging from the comments this post has received...Sara Schaefer Muñoz writes:

“So, when’s the next one coming?” Many first-time parents have, at one time or another, heard this question from family, colleagues — even virtual strangers.

It doesn’t seem to matter if the first child is five months old or five years. The prevailing assumption — at least in my experience — seems to be that no one would have only one child by choice. There’s a lot of talk of giving the “gift” of a sibling to your child, as well as concerns — founded or not — that only children are lonely or even self-centered. One poster wrote that some people get very upset when you say you might stop at one, saying things like, “you can’t do that” or “it’s mean to the child.”

But could it be that only one is easier on working parents? Writes one Juggle reader: “I don’t think one child had a huge impact on our finances. The impact of a SECOND child, however, is keeping us from having [another] one right now.” Indeed, siblings mean the doubling or tripling of childcare costs, more pediatrician appointments, higher-priced family vacations — not to mention more college costs.

Some say that having more than one can also take a professional toll on moms. Linda Hirshman, author of the controversial book “Get to Work,” asserts that a second child increases the pressure on women to leave the workforce.

The number of children parents have can’t always be planned. But it seems from reader comments that many parents do feel a larger family is worth the trade-offs. Is this true? Or have any readers out there decided it was best to stop at one?

Postscript: After this post went up, a reader reminded us that Terri Cullen wrote a column on this issue last year. Here’s the story."

The comments range from people who think we have to maintain a certain level of population growth (?) to those who feel it's really unfair to have an only child, others feel that they should make their decision based upon time, money and other external factors.

I think it's very much a personal decision.  Since I was 42 when my daughter was born, it was almost a no brainer, between exhaustion and worries about Downs Syndrome and other medical issues there was no way we were ready to do this again at our age.  And yes, there are times when I thought it would be nice to have another, but my kid is happy, we're happy and she gets lots of time with us and also with friends and teammates.

What's your take on this?

-Susan Martin, work life balance coach and happy parent of only child.

Hindsight on Making the Juggle Easier

"If only I knew then what I know now..." is a familiar refrain and one which was brought up on the Wall Street Journal's "Juggle" blog today.  Sara Schaefer Muñoz  writes :

"Would different choices earlier have made your juggle easier?

We’ve gotten a lot of comments from childless readers who say that the issues brought up here make them balk at having a family. One 25-year-old reader emailed us this (edited) note:

As if I wasn’t worried enough about the future, paying for a home, having a children and bringing them up well, this blog has alerted me to so many challenges that I never even thought about.”

    So our young reader asks for some advice:

“If a Juggler knew then (i.e. back at my age and stage in life) what they know now… is there anything they’d do differently: Save money? Have children at a different time? Move to a different area? Do things differently at work?”

    Or, she asks, is juggling work and family just hard no matter what? Dear readers, please advise."

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Ohhh, if only I had known then what I know now, I would have...

1. Changed careers BEFORE my child was born.

2. Started a little earlier.

3. Been more relaxed about the whole thing so I could have enjoyed her more when she was a baby.

Do I think the juggle is hard no matter what?  Yes, but THE most rewarding thing I've ever done.

-Susan Martin, mom, and work life balance coach.

Is Working Worth It?

Sara Schaefer Muñoz came up with another interesting post in the Wall St. Journal "Juggle" blog.  She tackles the whole question of whether the costs associated with returning to work after having children really are worth it in "Is Working Too Expensive?"

In the post, she discusses a friend who decided not to return to the workforce, because she couldn't afford it...

"there are large costs associated with working. “It certainly doesn’t end with day care. Commuting, parking, clothing, and on and on — and on. If you’re not making well above the average amount of money for the area you live in, it makes far more sense to stay at home.” (In my friend’s case, it’s worth noting she worked in graphic design, not law or banking.)"

The long-term career benefits may outweigh the short-term expense.” When I was pregnant I faced this very dilemma. On the surface it seemed ludicrous for me to work when, at that time, nearly 100% of my salary would go to child care. But we quickly realized that leaving the workforce would mean lost future earnings, giving up my hard-earned spot on the career ladder — as well losing the family’s corporate health insurance package that would be hard to get through my husband’s small business.

And another thing: I liked my job. Though I’d never classify myself as a super type-A personality — in fact, balancing work and family is often a strain — I think it’s important to have a world and purpose outside of family that is uniquely my own. Fortunately, my earnings have since improved, and though a large chunk of my paycheck still goes to child care, I feel like the long-term investment is generally worth it."

"The choice for mothers — and fathers — to work or stay home is obviously a complex one. Juggle readers, is it worth to it blow your salary on child care for the promise of future earnings? Or has the cost of working driven you out of the workforce?"

When I had my daughter, I still ran a sweater design and manufacturing business.  I was making good money, so the cost of childcare wasn't much of a consideration.  There was something much more significant to consider:  Was the stress that I was undergoing worth it?  Ultimately, I decided it wasn't, but instead of deciding to stay home, I decided to re-design my work life so I could continue to work and have time and energy for my family; but I'll leave that story for another time...

-Susan Martin, work life sanity coach.

Should Women Attorneys Pretend to be Single?

I'd thought I'd seen it all, until I read a recent post in the Wall Street Journal Law Blog entitled "When You Land the Interview, Should the Ring Come Off?" Here's the post in it's entirety, but click on the link above anyway, just to see the tremendous response it's gotten:

"Should women applying for law-firm jobs take off their engagement or wedding rings? Our friends at the Wall Street Journal’s Juggle blog posted the question to its readers earlier this week, which generated a few dozen interesting responses. One in particular caught our eye:

I am a formerly practicing attorney and now a headhunter for lawyers . . . . [P]artners in various places have said to me, in unguarded moments, that they still prefer men associates to women because of the whole child rearing issue . . . . A guy with a wedding ring and a newborn, can sucessfully use that fact to show that, although he has changed jobs a great deal and has a less than conventional resume — now he has settled down and is, for the prospective employer, a good long term investment. A woman, with that same picture, would be regarded as a higher risk of leaving the workplace unless maybe she could convey that she had a husband with an unstable income. I have never counseled anyone — whether male or female — to remove their wedding or engagement rings for purposes of an interview. The troubling thought is that maybe I should.

O Law Blog readers, please weigh in."

The question is:  How can we go from a society where work is valued ABOVE all else?

-Susan Martin, NYC based business and work life balance coach.

US leads world on work life "unbalance"

I wasn't surprised to learn of the Harvard / McGill Universities study by Jody Heymann that the US lags behind most of the world in helping workers balance work and family, but it reflects the sad state of affairs in our country anyway...here's what they came up with:

According to an article in the Chicago Sun-Times, the study released last week found that the US was one of the five countries out of 173 studied, that didn't guarantee paid maternal leave.

Francine Knowles, Business Reporter at the Sun-Times, said that:

"It also found the U.S. is not among countries that do the following:

• • Mandate that employers provide a day of rest each week so workers aren't required to go for long periods without a day off. At least 126 countries do so.

• • Give fathers either paid paternity leave or paid parental leave; 68 countries do, with 31 countries offering 14 or more weeks of paid leave.

• • Protect working women's right to breast feed; 107 countries do, and 73 offer paid breaks.

• • Provide paid sick days for short- or long-term illnesses; 145 do, and 127 provide a week or more of sick days annually. The U.S. provides up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave for serious illnesses through the Family & Medical Leave Act. But the act does not cover 40 percent of private sector workers.

Sen. Christopher Dodd (D-Connecticut) said he will push for legislation to provide up to six weeks of paid leave for an employee to take time off to care for children, tend to immediate family members or recover from illness. It would be funded by the employer, employee and the federal government, he said at a press conference Thursday without detailing the cost."

Isn't it time we did something about this?

We can ask our local representatives to help, but more urgently, we need to empower ourselves by making it a priority in our companies.

Your thoughts?

-Susan Martin, NYC Business and Work Life Balance Coach